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ImAnAmurican
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Name: Ellen
Birthday: 11/12/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: Photography, piano, trombone, guitar, paint, pencils, Katamari, Zelda, N64, weird things, eccentric people.
Expertise: photography, drawing, etc. maybe baking one day.
Occupation: Artist
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  ellendessine
Member Since:
1/15/2005
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| I thought I would never get chills from a book.
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A couple years ago, when I was sixteen and for a very short while, I lived my life like it was a dream, or a movie. Everything was romantic and beautiful, I was caught up in my head, and that was all that mattered. I stayed inside myself, where everything happened for a reason, where strangers were good people when I really knew they were not. And I was this young girl, absorbed in hidden aesthetics I gave to my surroundings. And so life was beautiful. I looked at everything like a painter and listened to everything like a poet. I loved myself, and my friends and strangers alike, and the boy who the movie ended with.
And then it all stopped. I was dull, and it was real.
I've had my time coping with it. Life isn't so beautiful. Not everything is a picture. This is how things work, and you love for other reasons, I suppose.
It's like finishing a really fantastic book, and having to look up at your bleak and incomplete surroundings.
And for a while you want to go back, but you forget about how it felt after a year or two.
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| I have said it many times, but I cannot stand school.
But as I said, it is getting better.
I figure that if I almost ignore school in a way, so that I feel like I don't experience it, then it won't be so bad. So I do my busy work as quickly as I can and then tuck away and read whatever book I'm on for the week. I've also decided that I like to be challenged in school. And this year has been the biggest challenge for me. In previous years I have had teachers telling me to write essays while reading books while taking tests while doing projects–an overwhelming amount of homework. Now I do not have teachers to push me. Instead, they are acting as a hindrance toward furthering my educational discipline I've built up, and I have to push past them and make my way on my own. Now I have to write (not essays of course) and read and investigate on my own.
I've never thought of it this way. How could I be so hypocritical to want someone to do all of it for me? I'm not looking for a challenge, but when presented with one I cannot keep complaining about it.
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| I hate school, work, and being at home.
So I've been sleeping a lot.
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| Today I got to work with my friend Jorge. And we're all excited that his navy unit doesn't have to go to Iraq. : )
Instead of cleaning up early we decided to sit out on the porch and watch the sunset since it was so pretty. And then we talked about art, claymation, dreams, and government conspiracies. On the topic of government conspiracies I mentioned my "dream life," the one about living somewhere that looks a little bit like the lush part of Ireland, in a house made out of cob, where I make exotic teas for a living and trade with distant villages and share things with neighbors. Jorge thought that was pretty cool and said that he wants to have his own water supply and wants to build a wind powered generator and be self-sufficient.
Since he's so independent I think it's weird how he's in the navy. I asked him why he joined, and he doesn't really know. He said he wanted to wear the goddamn sailor hat, but now he figures he could have just bought the thing instead. He's in a program where people tell you what to do and you do what is expected of you, training is awful and they try to brainwash you. Yet he's unpatriotic and wants to work at a ranch and live off the land. And he works at Jamba Juice. I think it's all a good thing though. I should think more experiences build character, whether it's your dream or not.
Like demoting myself to regular English. You don't know how much I've learned about people. Even just being in AP classes my whole high school career, I lost touch with "the other side" of the school. Everyone has such a different character, and I feel so arrogant for thinking I should separate myself from them. If I may speak of them collectively, they're all good people, they just have different goals than "the AP kids" do, and I almost admire them for it. Instead of putting themselves first for good test scores, class rank, or admission into an Ivy League college they care about having fun, or seeing their friends, or their family. But I still hate a lot of them for... a lot of things.
I don't think it matters how intelligent you are, how much you know anymore. Maybe just whether or not you have an open mind, and definitely how unsusceptible you are to brainwashing.
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